I was driving home from town today and found myself driving by the cemetery. Lately my heart has been hurting so much. Christmas morning Caleb and I were both hurting thinking about how this would have been such a fun Christmas with a 16 month old running around. Since then I haven't been able to get Abby off my mind. Last Sunday night we sang a song at church that reminds me of Abby because it was sung that very next Sunday after we buried her. Not only then, but while I was in the hospital, I could hear my dad in the hallway whistling the song. "It Is Well With My Soul" has always been the song that when my family is going through rough times you always hear my dad singing or whistling it. Since then all I do is think about Abby everytime I hear it. I fought it hard, but I just wanted to cry when I heard it Sunday night.

Thinking back to that time, they gave us the option of seeing her one last time before we buried her, but I said no. I wanted to remember her like she was in the womb, active. When we saw her after she was born, she was so lifeless, but I loved her nonetheless. That whole day and most of the night, I just wanted to hold her and cry. I no that thinking about it, it sounds a bit morbid, but I didn't want to let go of my baby girl. Thinking about it now, I still want to go back, I want to hold her and hug her. I want to go back to the day before we went to the hospital and feel her move one last time. I know that can't happen, but it doesn't stop my longing.

I stopped at the cemetery today. It was cold, but I needed to. I need to see, I need to experience, I need to cry. I cannot explain to you how much this hurts me these days. I don't really know what is going on. I look at my son and I am so thankful for him. I think about how much I love him and I love every milestone that he reaches. I love to hear him laugh, and I love to hear him cry. But I keep thinking about the 17 month old that should be running around my house that should be laughing and playing, jabbering and enjoying life to the fullest. I didn't plan on going all the way into town today, I was going to go to the Sils' house and go home, but when I stopped by the cemetary I was so overcome with emotion that I had to write it all out. I just couldn't hold it in anymore. There is one song in the song book at church that I have been aching to hear, but I don't want to ask Caleb to lead it because I know it would hurt him to much. It's called beyond the sunset and I can't remember all the words, but I need to hear it, I need it to be sung sometime. I know that my baby girl is in a far better place, but that doesn't take away all the hurt I feel. I just miss her so terribly that it hurts. It hurts my heart.

I am not going to apologize for a depressing post, because it helps me. It helps me to let my feelings out. I would love to sit and just talk about all of this, but it makes Caleb to upset and I can't do that to him. So instead, I keep it inside until I cannot handle it anymore and I let it all out on here. Thanks for listening.