Ramblings of thankfulness

I haven't blogged in a while, and I am not sure why. I suppose it is because I don't have anything exciting to say, but it could be because I have been a little bit busy and a lot a bit tired.

Motherhood is great. I love it. I love my son, I love my husband, I love the fact that their are 3 of us in our little family now. I cannot explain to you the joy I have for my son. He is such an incredible little boy and I am so thankful that God has given him to me. As it approaches Abby's first birthday, I am overwhelmed with a mix of feelings. I have a deep sadness that she is not here with Caleb and I, but I have a great joy that she is in Heaven. I am especially thankful for Caleb at this time because, were it not for him, I would be a lot more sad perhaps to the point of depressed. However, though I am sad, I am not "depressed". I still have the love of my life and a brand new son. I still have my faith and I still have my God. There is no reason for me to be depressed because I know without a shadow of a doubt, that I will see Abby in Heaven. I am sure I have said it before, but Caleb and I really grew up because of Abby. We learned that Caleb and I are a family, and that we need to make decisions ourselves. We learned that regardless of what other people think, we are going to do what we think is best, not what other people want us to think or do. We learned that serving God is more important than anything else in this life and we are going to do whatever it takes to serve Him to the best of our ability. I learned that it is ok not to please everyone. I learned that I should be extremely thankful for my family, but I also need to be willing to give them up. After all, God gives and God takes away-blessed be the name of the Lord. I cannot hold on to my family forever. I love my husband and my son more than anyone else in this entire world, but I am willing to follow God no matter what the circumstances. Abby taught me at a young age what it is like to go through an extreme hardship that affects every ounce of your life. She also taught me that only I can truly understand what it was like for me. Though other people may have lost children, how they felt and how I felt are more than likely different. Therefore, I feel a great sense of happiness when I think of the time that I did have with her. I am grateful that I got to feel her kick and roll for 9 months, I am thankful that though she was not with us, Caleb and I got to hold her and spend time with her after she was born. I am sad, but I am extremely happy and ready to celebrate her one year anniversary.

This post may have been confusing, but it has encouraged me greatly just to get these thoughts out on paper. Just to let myself know that I am truly happy and I am truly thankful for everything in my life. This last year has been extremely hard. I have been hurt more than I ever have in my entire life and I don't know if those wounds will ever heal, but I learned that all I need in this life is Caleb and God. I can live without everything else. In fact, I could probably live without Caleb if that was God's will, but I pray that will never happen. Caleb is such a rock for me. When we go through hard and hurtful times, we go through them together. They affect us together, we cry together and pray together. Even though Caleb and I have both been sad, happy, broken and emptied this past year, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I do hope this next year is better for us, I hope we continue to grow, but I hope we are able to put some of the past behind us and move on together serving God and raising our children to love God with all of their being.

Thanks for letting me ramble!